September 9

My eldest uncle, dad’s oldest brother, lost his battle to cancer on this day around 26 years ago. 

Each year, as September 9 rolls by, it is a dark and gloomy day for us. Even though I was only 1 when my uncle  died, and I don’t remember anything about him- only stories, I am just as much affected by his death.

All of my family gathers at my grandparents on this day. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Dad and his siblings don’t go to work today. We have lunch and dinner with my grandparents. Dad visits my uncle’s grave with all the men. They feed the poor in my uncle’s name. We desperately try to lift my grandparents sad moods. It’s a ritual that is happening ever since I can remember. 

Of course, losing a child is hard. And it is the worst thing ever. Especially, if it’s your first born, too. My uncle died at 35, leaving behind two children. Babies, really. 2 and 4 years old. My grandmother raised them. His daughter is like my sister and we have grown up together. And maybe that’s why her pain is my pain and why this day is painful for me, too. 

I have never seen my grandmother break down before. She has always stayed strong, composed. She is the kind of woman who takes on a challenge and climbs the highest mountain without a sweat. She is never weak to the world. Sure, she has been emotional at times, but barely. Until today. 

It’s a worst kind of feeling, when you hear your grandmother sob like a child does. It wrecks you, it shatters you… It cuts like a hundred knives. And I can’t get the sound out of my head… 

I started crying, too. Everyone did.

Today was a very gloomy day, indeed. 

It’s been 26 years, but some wounds never heal… I have so much love and respect for all the parents who continue to have courage after losing their children…. You are brave and surely, your patience and courage will be rewarded. Amen. 

No matter how old or young, children should bury their parents. Not the other way around.  

Rantings

I’ve been standing at a crossroad in this phase of my life for a very long time now. And I guess, I’ve procrastinated a little (okay, a lot). And it hasn’t helped. Neither has family for that matter.

When should parents back off from trying to control their child’s life? I feel as if I am still their puppet. I try to break free but they won’t keep their hands off of me, and I just trip over and fall each time I make a run for it.

Asian parents are more controlling than the average parent, and I guess one can’t really get them off their backs so easily. Especially Brown parents. Also, especially in a stupid society like Pakistan’s.

But when is enough enough? When do we finally say no? When do we take back our own lives? I want to be the grownup they’ve raised me to be. But HOW do I get this past the thick skulls of theirs? My parents are full of contradictions. On one hand, I am old enough to have 3 kids by now, a house and a husband of my own. But, yet, I am too naive to make my own decisions and too young to take control of my life.

When will parents let their kids finally grow up?

Why friend breakups hurt the most?

Maybe because making friends isn’t easy.

Breaking up with a lover means losing half of your heart, which you can more or less put back together in time. But breaking up with a friend results in losing half of your soul, and that never completely heals. You feel lost, useless and you’ll be afraid… Afraid to find a new friend. And that is devastating.

Losing a friend is just painful. Especially if they were really true friends. Then be prepared for your entire world to crumble up.

I have had a history of friendship breakups all my life. And this one hurt the most. Maybe because now I am older and making friends at this point in my life does not come easy.

Sigh. I’ll be eating icecream alone tonight.

Always, Alan Rickman

There are no words… What those books mean to me, I can’t explain it. Every character has become like a family member, and to lose one is just heartbreaking. I was so not ready for this. I wasn’t even expecting it! 😞😞😞

I am so saddened and shocked right now. Rest in peace, Alan. You will always be remembered and forever missed. 😭❤️❤️❤️

*This post got saved as a draft, and I didn’t check to see if it was published. 

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Oh hello 

I just realized that all the posts I wrote during my trip to UK got saved as drafts instead of being published. Ahh. Okay.

I’m home now. It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve been back. I haven’t opened this site ever since. I haven’t been busy with anything, except for my gnawing and growing depression. 😐😐😐

Tonight is the worst. It’s 4:25 am and I can’t sleep. Tomorrow, I graduate from undergrad university. Yes I know, it’s one year late. All my friends graduated last year without me because my university decided to screw with me and mismanage my credit hours. 

Anyway. Maybe this is why I’m feeling so sad tonight. I’m afraid of being alone at the graduation ceremony. I will be alone duh. All my friends, all the people I have known, have already graduated. And I have this social anxiety, oh my god. 

I decided weeks ago that I won’t attend it and I’ll just collect my degree in a few days long after the ceremony, and tell whoever asks that I wasn’t in town. Well nobody would ask, I know that for sure, because I don’t know anyone other than the teachers whom I’m never going to see again anyway. Sigh. 

Sorry for this rant. 

Safe and Sound

I have never seen death, not in my family nor in friends. And I am terrified.

I was 1 when my dad’s eldest brother lost the battle to cancer. He was 32 and I don’t remember it or him, though it does make me sad. And every year on his death anniversary, I pay my respects by visiting my grandparents and spending the day with them. All my family gathers there, to lessen the grief my grandparents are feeling for losing their firstborn.

And that is the closest I’ve been to death.

In the last four years, my grandfather has lost 3 of his siblings. I was not very close to them, but we did meet 4 or 5 times each year. And in our family, we treat the siblings of our grandparents with just as much love and respect. One was very kind and young at heart. He would make jokes and laugh with us, and act more like a friend than a grandfather. He was the first to go. It was so sudden and so sad. But it was more heartbreaking to see my grandfather cry. Then, my grandfather’s eldest sister passed away. She was over 90, close to 100, and she was a brave woman in her youth. She was very much involved in the Pakistan Movement, and now we have her stories with us. And then, my grandfather’s only remaining brother passed away, in 2014.

I do not do well when it comes to death and losing loved ones.

a. I have never experienced it so I don’t know what to feel

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b. I don’t know what to say when a friend or someone goes through this horrible time.

Just I can tell you how morbidly scared and frightened it makes me feel.

So, when my uncle called and said my grandmother isn’t feeling well and she’s asking to see us, we left immediately. We were eating dinner at that time, and all of us dropped our spoons and rushed out. It’s a good thing we live in the same block, just across the street, so we got there in a few seconds.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. Like, I didn’t know what to feel. I think I was feeling a hundred different emotions at the same time and my mind was not able to process it. I was numb and seeing my grandmother cry, it’s horrible.

My grandmother’s blood pressure was exceedingly high. And that’s because she and my grandfather had an argument. And whenever they do, my grandmother gets really worked up. But this time, she wasn’t okay.

We all stayed with her. There must have been 30 people in one room. Kids, adults. Then all the kids were told to go outside and let grandmother have some air. One of my twins brothers, Safi, and Maryam, my cousin, started crying. I hugged Safi and the second I did, I started crying, too, and kept repeating that it’ll be okay.

Anyway. After my grandmother calmed down, we all breathed a little. My uncles and Dad and my brother and male cousins all took her to the hospital. The doctor saw her and now she’s home, safe and sound. He says she’s fine and told her she shouldn’t skip her blood pressure meds.

When I came home, I really felt…. weird. A strange feeling, constantly gnawing at my heart. I just hope all my loved ones stay healthy and live a long life. I know death is inevitable. But I can never imagine a family member not being there. I can’t. And it’s terrifying.