September 9

My eldest uncle, dad’s oldest brother, lost his battle to cancer on this day around 26 years ago. 

Each year, as September 9 rolls by, it is a dark and gloomy day for us. Even though I was only 1 when my uncle  died, and I don’t remember anything about him- only stories, I am just as much affected by his death.

All of my family gathers at my grandparents on this day. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Dad and his siblings don’t go to work today. We have lunch and dinner with my grandparents. Dad visits my uncle’s grave with all the men. They feed the poor in my uncle’s name. We desperately try to lift my grandparents sad moods. It’s a ritual that is happening ever since I can remember. 

Of course, losing a child is hard. And it is the worst thing ever. Especially, if it’s your first born, too. My uncle died at 35, leaving behind two children. Babies, really. 2 and 4 years old. My grandmother raised them. His daughter is like my sister and we have grown up together. And maybe that’s why her pain is my pain and why this day is painful for me, too. 

I have never seen my grandmother break down before. She has always stayed strong, composed. She is the kind of woman who takes on a challenge and climbs the highest mountain without a sweat. She is never weak to the world. Sure, she has been emotional at times, but barely. Until today. 

It’s a worst kind of feeling, when you hear your grandmother sob like a child does. It wrecks you, it shatters you… It cuts like a hundred knives. And I can’t get the sound out of my head… 

I started crying, too. Everyone did.

Today was a very gloomy day, indeed. 

It’s been 26 years, but some wounds never heal… I have so much love and respect for all the parents who continue to have courage after losing their children…. You are brave and surely, your patience and courage will be rewarded. Amen. 

No matter how old or young, children should bury their parents. Not the other way around.  

3 down, 27 to go

So, today is our 3rd fast and seriously, it’s so hot, I’m DYING. Why doesn’t it snow in Karachi?! 😦

Fasting in such brutal heat is making me go crazy. I snapped two times today, and I shouldn’t have because it’s wrong to do that while fasting. :/ And to top it off, the air-conditioning in my room is broken, so I had to sleep on the floor, in the twins’ room, and now my back is really stiff. πŸ˜₯

So, 3 fasts down and 27 more to go. Lord, have mercy. Also, a little rain would be nice.

4:40 am and I’m not suicidal

Why do people cut? Most say it’s for attention, but I don’t think so. No. People cut for totallyΒ separate reasons. They want to unfeel, they want to disappear.

Maybe the emotional pain is too much to take on. Maybe they don’t want to feel all that heartbreak and thatΒ emotional agony, and so, to take their minds off that pain, they resort to cutting. Enduring physical pain is much preferable than emotional pain.Β Maybe, maybe not. But for me, this is the case.

I started cutting when I was in the 9th grade. My wrists, especially the left one. This continued over the years, in college, in university. But I had stopped.Β I amΒ clean since two years. Because the past two years were happiness, and flowers, and rainbows and sunshine for me because I was in love.

However, I cut for the first time (in two years) last week. And again, tonight. And no, I assure you it isn’t for the attention. It’s definitely to not be able to feel all this hurtΒ that’s eating away my heart.

And now, I feel okay. I don’t know. Now, my wrist hurts and my mind’s off the sadness lingering in my heart. Also, I’ve done a lot of crying, but I know, I’m never dried up. There will be more to come. And maybe, that will stop me from cutting again, but I don’t really know.

Anyway. I never intend to kill myself, even though I’ve had that thought many times, throughout my life. And that is not because I’m an optimist, but it’s because

a. My religion forbids suicide,

b. And I’ll go to Hell,

c. I’m scared of death and dying

So, no. I’m not suicidal. I don’t know what I am.

Every Breaking Wave

Every breaking wave on the shore
Tells the next one “there’ll be one more”
And every gambler knows that to lose
Is what you’re really there for…

Summer I was fearless
Now I speak into an answer phone
Like every fallen leaf on the breeze
Winter wouldn’t leave it alone, alone…

If you go…
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so…
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave?

Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy…

I thought I heard the captain’s voice
But it’s hard to listen while you preach
Like every broken wave on the shore
This is as far as I could reach…

The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
The same place that yours has been
We know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin
Before we begin…

U2, Every Breaking Wave