Rantings

I’ve been standing at a crossroad in this phase of my life for a very long time now. And I guess, I’ve procrastinated a little (okay, a lot). And it hasn’t helped. Neither has family for that matter.

When should parents back off from trying to control their child’s life? I feel as if I am still their puppet. I try to break free but they won’t keep their hands off of me, and I just trip over and fall each time I make a run for it.

Asian parents are more controlling than the average parent, and I guess one can’t really get them off their backs so easily. Especially Brown parents. Also, especially in a stupid society like Pakistan’s.

But when is enough enough? When do we finally say no? When do we take back our own lives? I want to be the grownup they’ve raised me to be. But HOW do I get this past the thick skulls of theirs? My parents are full of contradictions. On one hand, I am old enough to have 3 kids by now, a house and a husband of my own. But, yet, I am too naive to make my own decisions and too young to take control of my life.

When will parents let their kids finally grow up?

Why friend breakups hurt the most?

Maybe because making friends isn’t easy.

Breaking up with a lover means losing half of your heart, which you can more or less put back together in time. But breaking up with a friend results in losing half of your soul, and that never completely heals. You feel lost, useless and you’ll be afraid… Afraid to find a new friend. And that is devastating.

Losing a friend is just painful. Especially if they were really true friends. Then be prepared for your entire world to crumble up.

I have had a history of friendship breakups all my life. And this one hurt the most. Maybe because now I am older and making friends at this point in my life does not come easy.

Sigh. I’ll be eating icecream alone tonight.

Stone cold

A friend just told me that my sadness is just routine now. I don’t know what to feel about that. But that got me thinking. I do usually stay up at night, and one thought leads to another and I feel quite miserable and sad and cry for a bit. Usually, this happens every other night. And like my friend said, it’s routine. How do I stop my depression? Is there a button that I could just press to switch it off?

Oh hello 

I just realized that all the posts I wrote during my trip to UK got saved as drafts instead of being published. Ahh. Okay.

I’m home now. It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve been back. I haven’t opened this site ever since. I haven’t been busy with anything, except for my gnawing and growing depression. 😐😐😐

Tonight is the worst. It’s 4:25 am and I can’t sleep. Tomorrow, I graduate from undergrad university. Yes I know, it’s one year late. All my friends graduated last year without me because my university decided to screw with me and mismanage my credit hours. 

Anyway. Maybe this is why I’m feeling so sad tonight. I’m afraid of being alone at the graduation ceremony. I will be alone duh. All my friends, all the people I have known, have already graduated. And I have this social anxiety, oh my god. 

I decided weeks ago that I won’t attend it and I’ll just collect my degree in a few days long after the ceremony, and tell whoever asks that I wasn’t in town. Well nobody would ask, I know that for sure, because I don’t know anyone other than the teachers whom I’m never going to see again anyway. Sigh. 

Sorry for this rant. 

This is so sad


I found this on a Facebook page that I’ve liked. And this is just so heartbreaking. Everyone goes through hard times. And friends are the ones who make things bearable, and sometimes, better. My heart goes out to those who don’t have anyone to talk to when they’re going through hell. I think everybody should have friends, or someone to talk to. It only takes one smile, one hug, one hand and one person to make a difference. So. Friends, talk to your friends… You never know who’s going through a painful time. Offer a bit of your sunlight. xx

Safe and Sound

I have never seen death, not in my family nor in friends. And I am terrified.

I was 1 when my dad’s eldest brother lost the battle to cancer. He was 32 and I don’t remember it or him, though it does make me sad. And every year on his death anniversary, I pay my respects by visiting my grandparents and spending the day with them. All my family gathers there, to lessen the grief my grandparents are feeling for losing their firstborn.

And that is the closest I’ve been to death.

In the last four years, my grandfather has lost 3 of his siblings. I was not very close to them, but we did meet 4 or 5 times each year. And in our family, we treat the siblings of our grandparents with just as much love and respect. One was very kind and young at heart. He would make jokes and laugh with us, and act more like a friend than a grandfather. He was the first to go. It was so sudden and so sad. But it was more heartbreaking to see my grandfather cry. Then, my grandfather’s eldest sister passed away. She was over 90, close to 100, and she was a brave woman in her youth. She was very much involved in the Pakistan Movement, and now we have her stories with us. And then, my grandfather’s only remaining brother passed away, in 2014.

I do not do well when it comes to death and losing loved ones.

a. I have never experienced it so I don’t know what to feel

              and

b. I don’t know what to say when a friend or someone goes through this horrible time.

Just I can tell you how morbidly scared and frightened it makes me feel.

So, when my uncle called and said my grandmother isn’t feeling well and she’s asking to see us, we left immediately. We were eating dinner at that time, and all of us dropped our spoons and rushed out. It’s a good thing we live in the same block, just across the street, so we got there in a few seconds.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. Like, I didn’t know what to feel. I think I was feeling a hundred different emotions at the same time and my mind was not able to process it. I was numb and seeing my grandmother cry, it’s horrible.

My grandmother’s blood pressure was exceedingly high. And that’s because she and my grandfather had an argument. And whenever they do, my grandmother gets really worked up. But this time, she wasn’t okay.

We all stayed with her. There must have been 30 people in one room. Kids, adults. Then all the kids were told to go outside and let grandmother have some air. One of my twins brothers, Safi, and Maryam, my cousin, started crying. I hugged Safi and the second I did, I started crying, too, and kept repeating that it’ll be okay.

Anyway. After my grandmother calmed down, we all breathed a little. My uncles and Dad and my brother and male cousins all took her to the hospital. The doctor saw her and now she’s home, safe and sound. He says she’s fine and told her she shouldn’t skip her blood pressure meds.

When I came home, I really felt…. weird. A strange feeling, constantly gnawing at my heart. I just hope all my loved ones stay healthy and live a long life. I know death is inevitable. But I can never imagine a family member not being there. I can’t. And it’s terrifying.