Safe and Sound

I have never seen death, not in my family nor in friends. And I am terrified.

I was 1 when my dad’s eldest brother lost the battle to cancer. He was 32 and I don’t remember it or him, though it does make me sad. And every year on his death anniversary, I pay my respects by visiting my grandparents and spending the day with them. All my family gathers there, to lessen the grief my grandparents are feeling for losing their firstborn.

And that is the closest I’ve been to death.

In the last four years, my grandfather has lost 3 of his siblings. I was not very close to them, but we did meet 4 or 5 times each year. And in our family, we treat the siblings of our grandparents with just as much love and respect. One was very kind and young at heart. He would make jokes and laugh with us, and act more like a friend than a grandfather. He was the first to go. It was so sudden and so sad. But it was more heartbreaking to see my grandfather cry. Then, my grandfather’s eldest sister passed away. She was over 90, close to 100, and she was a brave woman in her youth. She was very much involved in the Pakistan Movement, and now we have her stories with us. And then, my grandfather’s only remaining brother passed away, in 2014.

I do not do well when it comes to death and losing loved ones.

a. I have never experienced it so I don’t know what to feel

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b. I don’t know what to say when a friend or someone goes through this horrible time.

Just I can tell you how morbidly scared and frightened it makes me feel.

So, when my uncle called and said my grandmother isn’t feeling well and she’s asking to see us, we left immediately. We were eating dinner at that time, and all of us dropped our spoons and rushed out. It’s a good thing we live in the same block, just across the street, so we got there in a few seconds.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. Like, I didn’t know what to feel. I think I was feeling a hundred different emotions at the same time and my mind was not able to process it. I was numb and seeing my grandmother cry, it’s horrible.

My grandmother’s blood pressure was exceedingly high. And that’s because she and my grandfather had an argument. And whenever they do, my grandmother gets really worked up. But this time, she wasn’t okay.

We all stayed with her. There must have been 30 people in one room. Kids, adults. Then all the kids were told to go outside and let grandmother have some air. One of my twins brothers, Safi, and Maryam, my cousin, started crying. I hugged Safi and the second I did, I started crying, too, and kept repeating that it’ll be okay.

Anyway. After my grandmother calmed down, we all breathed a little. My uncles and Dad and my brother and male cousins all took her to the hospital. The doctor saw her and now she’s home, safe and sound. He says she’s fine and told her she shouldn’t skip her blood pressure meds.

When I came home, I really felt…. weird. A strange feeling, constantly gnawing at my heart. I just hope all my loved ones stay healthy and live a long life. I know death is inevitable. But I can never imagine a family member not being there. I can’t. And it’s terrifying. 

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I used to be a bully?

What? 😧😧😧😱

Okay. So, last night, this guy messaged me on facebook and turns out we went to middle school together. He was in my class, but I don’t really remember him, because I changed schools in high school.

He told me that he remembers me because I used to be one of the two girls who’d hit boys in our class.

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That came as a shock for me. 😕😕😕 Yes, I was a tomboy and liked to play with boys. But I really don’t remember hitting any boy in my class. That’s sad. I confirmed with this other friend of mine, who went to university with me, and he says he remembers that I was a tomboy but he can’t recall me ever hitting anyone. 😐

This is so weird. I didn’t think I was a bully. And this guy says I was. I am so embarrassed. 😳😳😳

Tangled

   

   
“Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine,
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine…

Heal what has been hurt
Change the Fates’ design,
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine…

What once was mine…”

I’m watching Tangled tonight and I absolutely just love this song. ❤️❤️❤️❤️🌟

August 31st 2015, Monday

“Have courage and be kind.” 

I’m sorry this post is late. I didn’t really feel like writing, and I was busy with family, too.

Here is my birthday post.

I wasn’t really expecting much on my birthday, to be honest. I slept at 11 pm because I just felt weird and sad. 😕 But I got woken up at midnight and there was cake. My siblings and mom surprised me. 🎉 For a while, I thought it was a dream because I was sleeping and sad and wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. But yeah. I wasn’t expecting it and it sure was a lovely surprise. ☺️


My friends had no plans with me. They didn’t even meet me. I thought they’d be planning something, but they didn’t. 😐 Mom later took me to lunch, and all my girl cousins and aunts and both grandmothers were there. Later, my guy cousins also arrived. I had an amazing time and for a while, I forgot my depression and sadness. 😌

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I ordered a club sandwich, but it tasted horrible so I passed it on to mom. I survived on these super delicious French fries and 2 mocktails. 😋🍴🍟🍹

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“Pyari Beti = Lovely Daughter”

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After lunch, my brother got cake with candles and OMG, the restaurant started playing this Happy Birthday song and I was quite embarrassed. 😳 I had Maryam and Mina, my younger cousins, cut the cake for me. But I blew the candles though. That’s actually my favorite part. Blowing the candles. 🎂☺️💖

Overall. My birthday was not as sad as I was thinking it would be. Sure, I was hurt by my friends. And that one person who never called. Or texted, even though I kept waiting. And yes, the thought of growing old does make me sad. But that day, my family made sure that I was happy. And that’s all that matters. Even if it only lasted for a short time. ❤️