4:40 am and I’m not suicidal

Why do people cut? Most say it’s for attention, but I don’t think so. No. People cut for totally separate reasons. They want to unfeel, they want to disappear.

Maybe the emotional pain is too much to take on. Maybe they don’t want to feel all that heartbreak and that emotional agony, and so, to take their minds off that pain, they resort to cutting. Enduring physical pain is much preferable than emotional pain. Maybe, maybe not. But for me, this is the case.

I started cutting when I was in the 9th grade. My wrists, especially the left one. This continued over the years, in college, in university. But I had stopped. I am clean since two years. Because the past two years were happiness, and flowers, and rainbows and sunshine for me because I was in love.

However, I cut for the first time (in two years) last week. And again, tonight. And no, I assure you it isn’t for the attention. It’s definitely to not be able to feel all this hurt that’s eating away my heart.

And now, I feel okay. I don’t know. Now, my wrist hurts and my mind’s off the sadness lingering in my heart. Also, I’ve done a lot of crying, but I know, I’m never dried up. There will be more to come. And maybe, that will stop me from cutting again, but I don’t really know.

Anyway. I never intend to kill myself, even though I’ve had that thought many times, throughout my life. And that is not because I’m an optimist, but it’s because

a. My religion forbids suicide,

b. And I’ll go to Hell,

c. I’m scared of death and dying

So, no. I’m not suicidal. I don’t know what I am.

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